And finally…

This is my final post on here. When I first started this blog, I mainly wanted to write about my thoughts on my life as it was happening as I felt everything was dysfunctional… It still is, dysfunctional that is, but then again, that’s what makes life itself so interesting. So many things have happened since I first started writing. I have moved on in some ways but not in others…

Nearly 5 years after we first met, WB and I had a chat on Friday on Skype. I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years… We had a ‘normal’ chat… He said he still wanted phone sex… He said he wanted to be friends but mainly he wanted the phone sex because he had a girlfriend already… And he hurt me all over again. Because that’s all I ever was, and all I’ll ever be to him: a voice he wanks to on the phone. I knew that, didn’t I? Why does it still hurt? Why is the wound still open? Because there’s another realisation: I love him, you see. Yes, I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me. And yet, I love him. I will always love him. If he asked me to be with him, I’d give up everything to do just that. But this realisation also comes with a price: we’re not good for each other. We bring out our darkest sides. I don’t really know me anymore when I’m with him.

On Friday night, together with all of this, I also got a form of closure. I hope one day, I’ll meet someone who’ll bring out the best in me but also for whom, I won’t be just a voice but a fully alive human being with all her foibles, and never second best. To the girl who’s crying today as she writes these words, I say, ‘there’s always light at the end of the tunnel… and you deserve that light’.

Rain

I sit here watching the rain through my windows… My heart bleeds… Will the rain wash away my sorrows? Bathing me in its intensity, cleansing my soul, purifying my intentions, quenching my thirst, resonating in my sadness, harrowing…

Where to go from here…?

When I first started this blog, I was looking for an outlet to write about what I was going through at the time. And it helped a lot because I couldn’t really talk about it to anyone, I felt.

It’s been 3 years since then. And although I checked in once in a while (literally, once a year last year), my heart wasn’t into it. Because I had other outlets but also, because life happened and I went with the flow… I also lost a bit of what made me ‘Bella’.

But Bella is part of who I am and a part I can’t hide, a part I can’t hide from either.

So, I’ll keep posting… I’m also now on Twitter so come say hi!

 

Nearly a year later…

And I have lost weight… nearly 30 kgs lighter. UK size 14. I want to go down to a size 12 and to lose my massive belly, which still makes me look like I am 3 months pregnant!

I am still single… and lonely.

Having lost the weight has meant more confidence but it has also meant being less confidence when it comes to men as more of them look at me now… Isn’t it ironic?

An update… and a new beginning

I know, it’s been a while. I made plans and life happened.

Good things: I passed my viva, I visited Cape Town in South Africa, I went home for the first time in two years… twice in the space of 4 months! WB got back in touch but I feel nothing, I realised I don’t even like him.

Not-so-good things: I don’t have friends in the new town that I’m living in, I am still single.

Bad things: I had to have surgery at the end of January for what is known as a pilonidal abscess . It was incredibly painful and I had to be off work for the whole of February as the surgery wound was left open and had to be dressed daily for 2 weeks and then every other day for the third week.  Since the wound was on my tailbone, it meant applying pressure there when I sat, which, again, caused a lot of pain. I am glad to report that I can now sit for long periods without pain. Fingers crossed.

All in all, I’ve had an eventful 6 months.

As the title of the post suggests, this was to give an update but also to start over a new leaf.

I am finally tired of being the (now) obese lonely woman.  So, today, I signed up to a dieting site. I start the diet properly on Wednesday 10th March. And I will be accountable on this blog. My aim is to lose 30 kgs.  Medical experts say that a healthy weight loss is 1 kg per week, which in theory should take me 30 weeks, therefore.  This would then take me to the 6th October.

However, as we all know, goals are more attainable if they are cut down in bite-size chunks. Thus, I will be doing this in 30 days’ interval. I will give myself a challenge for each 30 days on top of the diet so that this becomes a lifestyle change as opposed to a diet that I discard at the very sight of a hurdle or even at the end of the weight loss. The only caveat is this: although the aim is to lose 30 kgs, the real aim is to be healthy and fit into a size 12 (as opposed to a size 20).

This will take time and a lot of effort as I change my deeply-ingrained habits – not only about food but also behavioural ones.  I know it won’t be easy but I also know that I can’t keep living like this. I firmly believe that my life needs to change…for the better!

Hope you join me on the ride. I’ll be doing some thinking about my challenge for the next 30 days and will make a decision by tomorrow evening.

Wish me luck…and hard work!!

More than a year later…

And here I am. I would love to say I am now a well-balanced, happy individual and all loved-up. But this isn’t a fairy tale, it’s real life.

Not all bad though: Me-sis submitted, full-time job and no more WB. It took me a while but he is finally out of my life. We never met. I don’t regret it. I do, however, regret having spent two years of my life pining for a man I created – because, in reality, WB was never the man I fantasised about.

So, I’m back. I’ll probably post about once a week from now on : after all, my myriad moods still equal myriad musings… It’s good to be back.

AWOL

I can’t believe I haven’t written on here in ages. It used to be a compulsion but somehow life (dreary, weary, teary old life) took over. I haven’t even checked whether I’ve been getting traffic and I was/am still in shock at the new wordpress layouts etc. Time really stops for noone!!

So, how have I been? Miserable mainly and a bit weird.

I fell ill. Nothing serious. Just a flu that didn’t want to shift. Leading to a general state of ‘feeling like absolute shit’. At first I persevered then my body took over. It wanted to be sick, to have a high temperature and be delirious (I had really weird dreams involving octopuses), for the brain to be clouded, misty and foggy. So I let it…well, under duress. Which meant that I missed an important job interview- it couldn’t be rescheduled- and that I am now WAY behind with the me-sis.

I’m fully recovered now but not emotionally. Emotionally, I am a bit of a wreck. Oh yes, I am still having phone sex with WB. I don’t think that will ever stop- until I meet someone or he does…I know it must sound sick but I feel alive because of the phone sex. He knows exactly what buttons to press to turn me on. And even though we both know this is going nowhere, we can’t stop ourselves. It’s an addiction.

As I keep saying, the me-sis is my life at the moment but I have also been teaching. Teaching is one of the loves of my life but it hasn’t been so enjoyable this term. But instead of concentrating on the me-sis to compensate, I have been wallowing in misery.

I need to snap out of it…And hopefully writing on here will help me with that…

And to those who usually read my blog, how have you been?

I need attention

The me-sis has taken over so once again, I have to apologise for not having updated in AGES!!

I have nothing to report unfortunately, well OK, maybe this: WB has said good-bye; yet again? I  hear you ask. Well I think, this time, it might just be a real one. His text said it was time to move on for both of us. To be fair, I had been so busy working on the me-sis that I haven’t had time to properly analyze what this means. Until today. It means no more texts at different times of the day to tell me how he wants to fuck me hard, how he wants to fill me with his cock, how he owns me.  Unlike before when I used to crave for his physical presence, wanted to meet him more than anything else, now, I miss those texts- because those texts gave me what I was blind to see before: attention. Yes, the phone sex was good but really what I was getting from him was attention. And not having and not able to have anyone in my life at the moment meant that the attention distracted me from my loneliness and stress.

How do I now feel this void? It would be so easy to send him a dirty text…But then I’d go down the same route again. Been there, done that, got more than the T-shirt…There has to be some other way…

Apologies

Sorry, sorry, sorry…especially to those of you who’ve been following my blog…my only excuse is work literally took over my life and meant that in those times, I was usually blogging, I have simply been catching up on other parts of my life! It’s been nearly a month since I last posted and a number of things have happened…Where do I start?

I got offered a job!!Before going for the interview, I really, really wanted it but once I was ‘in’ it, I realised that the job wasn’t for me! I also didn’t think I had performed that well so was surprised when they offered the position to me. I declined though as as I said, I realised I would simply be unhappy if I did take it… Only time will tell if I made the right choice…

WB is back in my life…We still haven’t had phone sex but we are in touch- and we exchange very filthy texts…Yesterday, he told me he wanted to meet me for real…He wanted me to go over to his place and be his slave for the day. I replied that I didn’t need or want a master for the day only… to which he said let’s meet and build on it. As I’ve mentioned before, he lives 4 hours away by train (I don’t drive) and I really can’t be bothered to travel all that way just for one fuck!! I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore… The need I feel for him is not as compulsive as it once was; in fact, I am so tired at times that I really can’t be bothered with phone sex (although I do use the vibrator)- which explains why we haven’t ‘done’ it in all that time! At the moment, I’m not going… But I’ll keep you posted.

And I promise to blog more regularly!

He replied to my texts.

He said he had found someone but that we could meet for sex. I said no but that I wanted phone sex. He said OK but I fell asleep so we never did. That was on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. I have texted since but nothing. He has also taken off his profile from the sex site so it must be true: he has found someone else, someone who’s not me…

It’s all over. For real.