More than a year later…

And here I am. I would love to say I am now a well-balanced, happy individual and all loved-up. But this isn’t a fairy tale, it’s real life.

Not all bad though: Me-sis submitted, full-time job and no more WB. It took me a while but he is finally out of my life. We never met. I don’t regret it. I do, however, regret having spent two years of my life pining for a man I created – because, in reality, WB was never the man I fantasised about.

So, I’m back. I’ll probably post about once a week from now on : after all, my myriad moods still equal myriad musings… It’s good to be back.

AWOL

I can’t believe I haven’t written on here in ages. It used to be a compulsion but somehow life (dreary, weary, teary old life) took over. I haven’t even checked whether I’ve been getting traffic and I was/am still in shock at the new wordpress layouts etc. Time really stops for noone!!

So, how have I been? Miserable mainly and a bit weird.

I fell ill. Nothing serious. Just a flu that didn’t want to shift. Leading to a general state of ‘feeling like absolute shit’. At first I persevered then my body took over. It wanted to be sick, to have a high temperature and be delirious (I had really weird dreams involving octopuses), for the brain to be clouded, misty and foggy. So I let it…well, under duress. Which meant that I missed an important job interview- it couldn’t be rescheduled- and that I am now WAY behind with the me-sis.

I’m fully recovered now but not emotionally. Emotionally, I am a bit of a wreck. Oh yes, I am still having phone sex with WB. I don’t think that will ever stop- until I meet someone or he does…I know it must sound sick but I feel alive because of the phone sex. He knows exactly what buttons to press to turn me on. And even though we both know this is going nowhere, we can’t stop ourselves. It’s an addiction.

As I keep saying, the me-sis is my life at the moment but I have also been teaching. Teaching is one of the loves of my life but it hasn’t been so enjoyable this term. But instead of concentrating on the me-sis to compensate, I have been wallowing in misery.

I need to snap out of it…And hopefully writing on here will help me with that…

And to those who usually read my blog, how have you been?

I need attention

The me-sis has taken over so once again, I have to apologise for not having updated in AGES!!

I have nothing to report unfortunately, well OK, maybe this: WB has said good-bye; yet again? I  hear you ask. Well I think, this time, it might just be a real one. His text said it was time to move on for both of us. To be fair, I had been so busy working on the me-sis that I haven’t had time to properly analyze what this means. Until today. It means no more texts at different times of the day to tell me how he wants to fuck me hard, how he wants to fill me with his cock, how he owns me.  Unlike before when I used to crave for his physical presence, wanted to meet him more than anything else, now, I miss those texts- because those texts gave me what I was blind to see before: attention. Yes, the phone sex was good but really what I was getting from him was attention. And not having and not able to have anyone in my life at the moment meant that the attention distracted me from my loneliness and stress.

How do I now feel this void? It would be so easy to send him a dirty text…But then I’d go down the same route again. Been there, done that, got more than the T-shirt…There has to be some other way…

Apologies

Sorry, sorry, sorry…especially to those of you who’ve been following my blog…my only excuse is work literally took over my life and meant that in those times, I was usually blogging, I have simply been catching up on other parts of my life! It’s been nearly a month since I last posted and a number of things have happened…Where do I start?

I got offered a job!!Before going for the interview, I really, really wanted it but once I was ‘in’ it, I realised that the job wasn’t for me! I also didn’t think I had performed that well so was surprised when they offered the position to me. I declined though as as I said, I realised I would simply be unhappy if I did take it… Only time will tell if I made the right choice…

WB is back in my life…We still haven’t had phone sex but we are in touch- and we exchange very filthy texts…Yesterday, he told me he wanted to meet me for real…He wanted me to go over to his place and be his slave for the day. I replied that I didn’t need or want a master for the day only… to which he said let’s meet and build on it. As I’ve mentioned before, he lives 4 hours away by train (I don’t drive) and I really can’t be bothered to travel all that way just for one fuck!! I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore… The need I feel for him is not as compulsive as it once was; in fact, I am so tired at times that I really can’t be bothered with phone sex (although I do use the vibrator)- which explains why we haven’t ‘done’ it in all that time! At the moment, I’m not going… But I’ll keep you posted.

And I promise to blog more regularly!

He replied to my texts.

He said he had found someone but that we could meet for sex. I said no but that I wanted phone sex. He said OK but I fell asleep so we never did. That was on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. I have texted since but nothing. He has also taken off his profile from the sex site so it must be true: he has found someone else, someone who’s not me…

It’s all over. For real.

I caved in…

and wrote WB an email. I know I shouldn’t have especially because now, I’ll be constantly checking my email for a reply…but I couldn’t help it. And I thought to myself, you only live once. Yes, he’s a bastard, yes, he will never give me what I want…but I crave the phone sex… Of course, he might never reply… In fact, his silence all this time does suggest that he might have met someone…

Those of you who’ve been reading my posts, any thoughts? Should I have got back in touch with him?

Busy, busy, busy

I haven’t had time to write for a while now because life has just been a bit hectic what with the new term starting soon. But I am going to do my best to write as often as I can. Just bear with me those of you who do return to read my blog from time to time.

 I have decided to password-protect some of my posts just in case someone ’stumbles’ across them and is easily offended. This will mainly be the case with my more ‘risque’ posts about sex. Feel free to email me to get the password.

Update on WB is that I am slowly getting over him and keeping myself busy so as not to think about him. He hasn’t tried to get in touch by text or anything so my suspicions were right: I never meant anything to him apart from a talking doll to have phone sex with. Still hurts but I’m hoping that the old adage of ‘time heals’ will hold true for me.

Have a lovely week-end

Protected: The first time…

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Why is it so hard?

For me to move on from WB? No, I didn’t get in touch with him but I have been looking at his pics and checking his profile (what little I can see) on FB and checking my phone at all times for a message from him…anything, just anything from him to show that he misses the phone sex as much as I do….but nothing so far!!!

I will forget him, won’t I? I have to…he’s not worth all this. He never was…so why is it so hard??!!

Withdrawal symptoms

WB is back from wherever he was. No, he didn’t get in touch but he has changed his profile pic on Facebook and his profile is ‘active’ on the site we met. All through the night, I kept expecting a text, hoping, praying he’d get in touch. But he never did. As I mentioned, I have deleted the email account he used to email me on so I don’t even know whether he tried to get in touch… Yes, I am having withdrawal symptoms from having given up on phone sex with him. It has been a drug for the past so many months. A drug that fills up a void, that relieves me, that makes me sleep with a smile on my face…until it (he) ‘disappears’, making me angry, cry and despair at ever giving in.

It hurts to think that I can be so easily discarded, that I am so easily disposable, that I am not indispensable.

Last night, I kept on looking at all the pics he’d sent me and started fantasising about being with him whilst playing with myself. I came but nothing like the intensity I feel, felt with him. Not as dirty as when he talks to me and tells me I’m his.  Not as horny as when he tells me his cock is huge and ready to be inside me…

I know that to him, I am only a talking doll, an object that helps him wank. Not someone with feelings, simply an itch to be scratched. But at this moment in time, I need him. I need the attention he knows I crave for. I need to hear his voice, telling me how pleased he is with me.

I don’t want to meet him anymore. I used to. Crying myself to sleep, wanting him for real. Now, I don’t. Because I don’t trust him. He will always be the WB to me…But I am so tempted to get in touch, to have phone sex- feel alive again when all I have at the moment is the me-sis to look forward to, when I no longer have a social life and won’t until I finally submit my me-sis in 6 months’ time. They might seem like excuses and maybe they are but the phone sex does relieve the tension, make me feel like a sexual being again…

What to do?