And finally…
This is my final post on here. When I first started this blog, I mainly wanted to write about my thoughts on my life as it was happening as I felt everything was dysfunctional… It still is, dysfunctional that is, but then again, that’s what makes life itself so interesting. So many things have happened since I first started writing. I have moved on in some ways but not in others…
Nearly 5 years after we first met, WB and I had a chat on Friday on Skype. I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years… We had a ‘normal’ chat… He said he still wanted phone sex… He said he wanted to be friends but mainly he wanted the phone sex because he had a girlfriend already… And he hurt me all over again. Because that’s all I ever was, and all I’ll ever be to him: a voice he wanks to on the phone. I knew that, didn’t I? Why does it still hurt? Why is the wound still open? Because there’s another realisation: I love him, you see. Yes, I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me. And yet, I love him. I will always love him. If he asked me to be with him, I’d give up everything to do just that. But this realisation also comes with a price: we’re not good for each other. We bring out our darkest sides. I don’t really know me anymore when I’m with him.
On Friday night, together with all of this, I also got a form of closure. I hope one day, I’ll meet someone who’ll bring out the best in me but also for whom, I won’t be just a voice but a fully alive human being with all her foibles, and never second best. To the girl who’s crying today as she writes these words, I say, ‘there’s always light at the end of the tunnel… and you deserve that light’.
